I never want to see another naked old woman again.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
