so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
