and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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