I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
