just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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