I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
