It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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