I'm gonna have a badass scar
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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