My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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