I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
