i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
