I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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