i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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