he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
