Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
