I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
