One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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