I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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