Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
