just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
