I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
