I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
