bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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