he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
