my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
