I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
