I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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