My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
