I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
