just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
