I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
