Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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