I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
