drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
