You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
