I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
