Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
