I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
