I only kidnapped one of them. chill
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Randomize
