I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
