why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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