It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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