Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize