So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
