How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
