I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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