2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Send help, water and tortillas.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
