Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
