Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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