Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
