Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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