I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
