So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
honey bunches of taint.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize