Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
