Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
only if we run a train.
done.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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