i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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