Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Small penises have feelings too.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
